Light Chasing

I think it started yesterday and slowly grew. I felt really good yesterday, like really good. I laughed so much and so easily, I felt so tingly all over, everything was bright and pleasant. I didn’t know why I was feeling so…what’s the word I should use? Amorous? Aroused? Today I am so elevated…racing thoughts, so fucking happy, sotingly, so aroused, so goddamn excited, so restless. I’m going out for coffee with Garrett in about an hour, then for coffee with Nicole after that. I don’t know what it will be like. I imagine I won’t be able to stop talking. Fuck, the world is so bright and beautiful. I gotta go!

This year has been awful beyond belief, so it was no surprise that my annual October marathon was a bust. I watched YouTube videos and TikToks and Reels of people giving their lists of scariest movies and best movies. I made my list. I have some old favorites and a bunch of new ones. Most of them would never be categorized as horror. Some of them were, but were not at all scary. I felt nothing. I decided as the month came to an end that it was me. Maybe I don’t feel anything anymore. A few of them should have scared me but I felt nothing.

I did see some good movies, though. I’ll talk about the new ones.

*Hippopotamus- This movie was suspenseful and did not go at all where you expected it to go. I guess there was a creepy factor to it. I really enjoyed it.

*Super Dark Times- I really liked this movie, too. Some high school kids get involved in a tragic accident and we get to see what happens afterward. Again, it didn’t go where you would expect.

*Relic - I just googled this because I couldn’t remember it. Meh.

*The Hole in the Ground - Not bad or anything. I don’t know, man. Okay, I guess.

*Cobweb- Very disappointing. I couldn’t even tell you if it was scary. Strange? Ugh. No, I didn’t like it.

*Bed Rest - I had trouble paying attention to this because I didn’t give a shit.

*Skinamarink- I should have been terrified from this, just by the atmosphere and strange noises alone. I was bored and fell asleep in the beginning. I was bored a lot. Maybe if I had been watching it alone in the dark on my laptop with earbuds in. Maybe then.

*No One Will Save You- An alien invasion movie I was promised would be different and scary. I had trouble paying attention. Maybe that’s my problem.

*Last Shift- this movie had some seriously scary visuals and creepy-ass moments that should have gotten to me, but instead I just thought, “That’s scary,” instead of feeling it.

*The Lodge- I feel like I should have enjoyed this movie more, too. More of a psychological thriller, there were some surprises in there and some original ideas. I had trouble paying attention, though, and probably missed some connections.

*As Above, So Below- I read a few positive reviews about this movie, so I tried it even though it sounded silly and it has a Rotten Tomatoes score of like 25 percent. Drew is always telling me I shouldn’t rely on those, so I went ahead. And it was dumb.

And the winner for best movie of the month goes to The Innocents. Not a horror movie by any means, a Norwegian film about a group of kids that develop some really mysterious powers. It was really good. Really, really good. I might watch it again because I had trouble concentrating and had to watch it in pieces.

So there it is. Maybe next year will be better, huh?

Watching Rushmore for me is like eating my favorite yogurt with strawberries and granola. It’s like drinking lemon ginger tea when my stomach is upset. It’s like snuggling under my heated blanket when it’s cold. It’s like feeling sad and heavy but then I log into Teams and Nicole has sent me the longest message possible going into insane detail about the dream she had the night before, and it’s absurd, and honestly, nobody gives a shit about your dreams, but that’s what makes me laugh because she does this all the time and I love her. It’s like listening to Bob Dylan playlist I made specifically for when I’m taking a relaxing bath, drinking tea and reading poetry when the fibromyalgia is flaring up. It makes me smile and feel all warm inside, and makes me glad I’m alive.

I had my annual eye exam today, and my eyesight has worsened significantly since last year. I didn’t even realize it, but he said that even with my contact lenses in, I would barely pass the exam for a driving test.

“Without squinting, can you read that bottom line for me?”

Hahahaha. That’s what it looks like with no contacts.

My eyeballs are healthy, though, so there’s that.

The guy was trying to get me to pay for my contacts but I couldn’t stop looking around at the store, my new contacts in my eyes. You forget how beautiful the world really is.

Imagine seeing trees like this:

And then one day discovering leaves.

That’s what a person goes through when they get a new prescription. It’s always a pretty cool experience.

Opal has gone from nothing but biting, scratching, and clawing, to rubbing herself on my legs, to letting me scratch the top of her head for three seconds before trying to bite me, to letting me pet her for a few seconds, to making biscuits on my blanket on my lap, to just sitting and chillin’ on my lap, to full-on deep sleeping on me. I was pleasantly surprised when she did this. She trusts me and loves me.

My cousin Troy was the drummer in our band. We grew up more like siblings, as we are cousins on both sides of our families. His mom and my mom are sisters, and his dad and my dad are brothers. We were all very close.

Troy struggled with drug and alcohol addiction in his early 20s, really bad. He ended up selling meth to an undercover cop and spending a little time in jail. He got 25 years probation, I think. And he quit drugs and alcohol, so it was all good. But you could tell he still craved it. He slammed Monster drinks and vaped at band practices and talked about the day in the future he could leave sobriety behind.

He is a brilliant musician, with a beautiful soul and complex, exceptional mind and soul. Even as little kids we could talk for hours about science and the paranormal and magic and space and death and the meaning of life. He is one of the special people on earth, with a special light inside. He is intense but funny, sensitive and caring and really, really broken.

I haven’t seen him for a while. We used to talk on FB, but he deleted his account. I have heard horror stories of his violent behavior, depression, and his inability to find a therapist or psychiatrist. I saw him where he works a few months ago and he was happy to see me. He looked good.

He joined Snapchat a couple of days ago. Today he posted a video of a tiny little baby green plant. Then he panned the camera over to a bunch more of the green plants under a tarp-like thing? With fans blowing. And he sprayed the plants with something. The next shot is a bong, and then he comes into the frame. He is bald and has a long, full, white beard. His eyes are dark, sunken, and haunted, his face aged and pale. He took a hit like he has done it many, many times before and exhaled the smoke, which filled the frame, covering his face.

I’m gonna go talk to him.

weltenwellen:

“If you’re reading this, if there’s air in your lungs on this November day, then there is still hope for you. Your story is still going. And maybe some things are true for all of us. Perhaps we all relate to pain. Perhaps we all relate to fear and loss and questions. And perhaps we all deserve to be honest, all deserve whatever help we need. Our stories are all so many things: Heavy and light. Beautiful and difficult. Hopeful and uncertain. But our stories aren’t finished yet. There is still time, for things to heal and change and grow. There is still time to be surprised. We are still going, you and I. We are stories still going.”

— Jamie Tworkowski

(via onceuponabibliophisla)

“I hate that fucking car.”

-Me, every time I see my fucking car

Last night and the night before I was laying in bed when I felt a cat jump up on the bed and lie down. But there was no cat. Last night I heard it and felt it again. I hadn’t been in bed very long and had just plugged in my phone and turned off the lamp. I couldn’t see anything, but suddenly I felt - felt something run over my body, right up it toward my head. I freaked out and threw my blankets off, grabbed my phone and glasses and left the room. A few minutes later I turned the light on and stood in the doorway, but I couldn’t see anything. It wasn’t heavy like a cat, and I thought maybe it was a mouse, but that doesn’t seem likely. Maybe I hallucinated? Either way, I can’t sleep in there. I’m sick of stupid shit making me too scared to sleep in my room.

Opal was in the basement and Ellie was asleep under a chair so it wasn’t either one of them.

Jesus Christ…

This album came out six months ago, and this is still how I start every single day.